Indian Traffic

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They areapplicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside avehicle is only marginally safer.


Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints areas follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is"both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trustyour instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don'tdrive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.


Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to crossthe road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic ismoving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We hornto express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two briskblasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.


Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them duringtraffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waitingfor the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.


Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking coloredlights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshawand an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengersthree times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. Aftercareful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into theseauto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contactwith the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into themicroscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicleson the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral childrenare charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en-route to school.


Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur,and are licensed to irritate.


Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like anelectric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, themoped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would ratherdrive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.



Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes andduring rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hangingoff other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surfacetension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg ofpassenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.


One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest intheir otherwise drab lives.



Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. Inmetaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussytype. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also.


Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, coversthe water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred foreasy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.


Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for thosewith the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playingRussian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be atruck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly intothe field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.


Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blinkyour lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck isthe driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than anaught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed tokill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truckapproaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could bethe right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.


Hope that I made up for not posting for so long...